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[ This was originally a
Phase Portrait
blog. The original blog can be found
here. ]
[ Interestingly enough, at OverOpinionated.com,
the author has come to some of the exact same conclusions that I come to here in her Nice Guys
article. I recommend it. In fact, it's a bit shorter than my article and probably packs just as much punch. ]
[ More nice guy bashing is available from Jason MacIsaac at CoN in Nice Guys Finish Last (And They Don't Deserve Your Sympathy). ]
I'm fairly certain that every day at least three new blogs are written
supporting the idea that nice guys finish last. Usually these blogs are
written by lonely frustrated boys who long to be more than friends (with
someone who perhaps isn't even a friend), but occassionally they are
written (or at least quoted) by gals who take pity on these poor guys.
I'm tired of this. It's absurd.
For one, just because a guy is a pushover does not mean he is necessarily
a nice guy. The fact that he's passively hating some girl for not coming
onto him implies that he's maybe even weirder than the "assholes" his
potential dates always end up "choosing" "over him."
But I'm not going to argue that route. By the end of this, I am
hoping to show that the idea of a "nice guy" in general does not exist
in reality. I'll accept that there are "assholes" out there, but I claim
that this idea of a "nice guy" simply does not exist.
Contents
A Woman's Role in Attraction
Now, to start, women rarely are in a position of approaching
a man in the same way that a man typically approaches a woman. Women will
often purposely make themselves very attractive to a particular guy. Women
will often make themselves very available to a particular guy. This is
the effort that women typically put into starting a relationship with
men. A lot of effort goes into this; it is no small task. And if a woman
isn't drawn to one particular guy, she may in general go through a period
of looking attractive to a number of guys in order to find out who is
available for further investigation and eventually selection.
The Difference from a Man's Role in Attraction
Now, this is very different from the effort guys put into looking
attractive to the opposite sex. For one, men primarily are trying to
look better (or more unique) than other men. The hope is that this
will make them attractive to every woman around. The hope is that the
man will gain a reputation for being attractive. A man will devote his
entire life to these sorts of ends. It's a broader movement than what
goes on with a woman. A woman specifically chooses to dress up or dress
down for one particular event. A woman specifically chooses to flirt
or not to flirt with a particular guy. A woman is making choices that
could go either way. A man is choosing a lifestyle with which he will
be consistent until he decides to make another lifestyle change.
[ of course, I realize that there
is some blurring between men and women on these things; men do dress up
for particular events, and women do choose to lead particular lifestyles
just like men... but I'm going to argue that for human beings it's safe
to assume that intentions are still pointedly different ]
The Sequence of Events of Attraction
So the sequence of events is that a man advertises his
lifestyle. A woman becomes interested and advertises her interest. It
is then the man's role to assert his own interest. The woman has put
herself out there, and if the man does not respond on her timeline,
then she assumes that he isn't interested and she should invest in
showing her own interest elsewhere.
Now, of course, misinterpretations happen. People change their mind
too. And thus rejections can occur. And thus people have their own safety
nets. And things can't move too fast. People have their own timelines.
The Typical Role of the Typical "Nice Guy"
Now enter the timid male. He does not feel confident about
the things on the surface that are easy to evaluate. He works hard to
show that he's very sensitive on the inside. He works hard to show his
intelligence. He works hard to show that he has
lasting traits that can be very
attractive. And included in those lasting traits is his ability to just
want to get to know the girl for who she is, and eventually love her for
who she is. She can feel safe around him. He won't approach her
unless she wishes for it. But
there's where we have the problem! That's not how it works!
The Problem with the Typical "Nice Guy" Approach
If and when the female becomes attracted ot the timid male,
she's going to expect him to bite. If he doesn't bite, that makes perfect
sense because he's advertised himself as the male who doesn't bite. She
might really want him to be the male who didn't bite for other girls
but wants to bite for her, and that might be a real compliment to see
him bite for her; however, if he doesn't bite, she assumes she's just
not his type. He just doesn't want to make that catch.
And so she keeps him on as a friend, and she becomes very comfortable
with that. She stops flirting. She just starts being comfortable
around him. She discusses other guys with him. This makes sense.
He's almost ASKED FOR THIS.
By not asserting his affection WHEN SHE WAS LOOKING FOR IT, he's said
to her that he doesn't want to be affectionate with her. She quickly
gets over it and moves on.
Driving a Steak Between the Typical "Nice Guy" and the Object of His Affection
And so it becomes very weird if and when he does show
himself to want more from her. It almost seems as if he has been using
her up to this point. It seems weird that he didn't accept her when she
wanted him to. And the WORST part is that now that she knows that during
all that time where she felt comfortable and SAFE he was thinking about
finding a way to get more from her.
So of COURSE things go sour. After he confronts her ONCE, he'll not ever
understand why she doesn't respond favorably, and he might keep bringing
it up. He'll start to hate her. (and
thus, was he ever really a "nice guy"?) And on top of that,
she'll feel confused or put off or simply will refuse to think of him
that way. Things just don't work at this point.
It was
HIS FAULT
for not seeing this earlier. The nice thing to do would be to
drop it and accept that it's just not the right time (and perhaps the
"right time" has completely passed).
Lesson 1: Guys Should NEVER Count on a Girl to Approach
If you're getting the feeling that there's something
between you and a girl, she's probably done a lot to help project that
in your mind. If you FEEL like there's something between you, then give
her a break and act on it.
If worse comes to worst, you'll at least learn that things aren't
supposed to develop between you two. It's good to know this SOONER than
LATER. For a girl, finding out that
your best friend of 8 years spends every night making out with your
high school picture is a LOT creepier than finding out the guy you just
started talking to might kinda like you.
And besides, if you're REALLY a "nice
guy," then you'll understand her choice not to date you and continue being
her good friend as if nothing happened. If suddenly you don't feel
there's anything in this relationship for you, then you're NOT A NICE GUY.
Now, Assume the "Nice Guy" Does Land Himself a Relationship
Sooner or later in any relationship (between man/woman,
man/man, or woman/woman), the different priorities of the two partners
become very clear. People want different things, and "nice guys" have
the hardest time dealing with that.
Consider the timid guy from above. He spent a long time being whatever
the girl of his present dreams wanted him to do. When she said jump,
he jumped so quickly that his "how high?" came off in mid-air. If they
end up dating somehow, the same thing is going to occur for a while. He's
just going to be per personal slave for a while.
Enter a Common Problem, Jealousy (of People, Places, and Things)
But he's going to get very jealous of the rest of her
life very quickly. For one, if he's already so close to her, there's
not going to be much to change. In fact, if they're already so close,
often the relationship is just used to relieve the male's sexual
frustration. At first, getting even a little bit of affection from the
woman is going to appease him. However, eventually he won't understand
why she won't give him more. It will be the relationship argument all
over again!! Additionally, if he does grow closer to her in ways that
aren't sexual, he'll start getting an idea of all the other things she
does with her time. He'll start wanting more time. After all, they are
dating now, right?
As Problems Develop, to the Outsider the "Nice Guy" Becomes the "Asshole"
So eventually there will be a clash. He'll need more and
she won't be willing to give it. Or she'll need EVEN MORE and he won't
expect it. Earlier in the relationship
they might have been able to figure this out about each other and figure
out a way to compromise. However, now that it's so late in the
relationship, neither one of them will want to change.
Eventually the relationship is going to become HARDER THAN THE FRIENDSHIP
WAS and the "nice guy" will turn into the "asshole."
Lesson 2: Lucky "Nice People" Quickly Become "Assholes"
All men aren't
assholes. All women aren't bitches. This SAME SEQUENCE OF EVENTS
occurs in homosexual relationships as well.
Problems develop between
people simply because EVERYONE IS
DIFFERENT.
The Appearance of the Success of the Asshole
Now, clearly if all
"nice guys" end up looking like "assholes" to other "nice guys,"
it's going to be hard to ever find a
girl who is NOT dating an asshole.
However, let's consider an "asshole"
from the start. The asshole is only looking out for himself. The
asshole is ALWAYS asserting his own wants. If a girl gets attracted to
him, he does his best to take advantage of it and ride it out until it
becomes a drag on him.
So let's go through the same sequence of events. The guy looks attractive
to at least SOME WOMEN. Those women show their interest in these assholes
but THEY ALSO SHOW THEIR INTEREST
simultaneously with "nice guys."
The assholes take advantage of it. It's their nature.
IF THE WOMEN HAD THE CHOICE
of a nice guy and an asshole, they'd choose the nice guy; but
they NEVER GET THAT CHOICE.
Assholes are the only ones who play
the game. Thus assholes are the only ones who win.
So while nice guys shouldn't aim to be assholes, they should RESPECT
why assholes have so much "luck" with women!
If nice guys would take a cue from
assholes and actually SHOW SOME SPINE and assert themselves, they would
show the girl something a whole lot better than the asshole.
(unless she's specifically consciously looking for the asshole, but
that's another topic)
Lesson 3: Assholes Only Win Because Assholes are the Only Ones Playing
Don't you dare hide behind some special "objections"
you have with "the game." It's not a matter of scruples. "The game"
isn't a bad thing. And even if it was,
you're not playing it because you object to it; you're not playing it
because you're too cowardly to enter it.
If you really wanted to give the
assholes a run for their money, you'd go in and show the ladies what
they're missing.
So I blame YOU for there being assholes.
If YOU weren't so timid, maybe there
wouldn't be so many assholes.
Nah, who am I kidding? Like I
said before,
you're as much of an
asshole as any of the rest of
them, so it's
no loss to women that you've fouled yourself out
.
You'd be doing them
a disservice by entering,
you
miserable pathetic passive poor
excuse for a mate.
Conclusion: Nice Guys Who Finish Last Aren't Really Nice Guys
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